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Keeping my Faith…Or Sexuality?
by Fiona Erskine
Religion is one of the many things which define us as individuals. People seek hope, love and acceptance through their chosen faith. But what if members of that same faith also condemn your sexual identity?
When Gullu Jiwani first realized what the word ‘homosexual’ meant, it didn’t take him long to realize that he was gay. As a young boy, Jiwani grew up in Karachi; a Muslim dominated city in the heart of Pakistan. As a Muslim, Jiwani lived out of fear that he would be rejected by his family and peers for his secret identity.
“Way before my puberty, I was secretly fascinated by good-looking boys and envied pretty girls,” he said. “I naturally enjoyed girlie talk with the girls in junior school and felt more comfortable around them than the boys.”
Although Jiwani did not feel any shame in this discovery, he still hid his sexuality from his friends in order to fit in. “I mostly did cover up the fact that I was gay so that I would be socially accepted in a world where this type of behaviour is unaccepted,” he said. “In the Qu’ran, it is written that it’s a sin to have sex with the same sex, just as the bible says.”
Being a Muslim was a constant struggle for Jiwani as he was reprimanded by his elders and family about living as a ‘sinful man’.
“The fundamentalist Muslims were aggressive and intrusive,” Jiwani said. “Muslims and even non-Muslims lectured me about my sexuality.”
According to Jiwani, in third-world countries homosexuals are not only considered shameful, but lawbreakers as well.
“In some Muslim countries, homosexuals are punished by law, such as a hundred whip lashes, months in prison, hard labour and even death by stoning,” he said. “It all boils down to whether the country is ruled by a fundamentalist or an open-minded Muslim.”
For Todd Zachary, his struggle with being a Christian and a homosexual was a different scenario, but just as difficult.
Unlike Jiwani, who struggled for his peers’ acceptance of his sexuality, Zachary’s biggest challenge lay in the fact that he had to accept himself.
“I knew I was gay since I was 13, but I had it ingrained in my head that it was a sin, so I tried everything to make it go away but it never did,” Zachary said. “The hardest thing for me was to come out to myself and be able to accept it in myself.”
Although Zachary struggled to figure out how his Christianity fit into his sexuality, he never abandoned his faith.
“I do believe the bible must be taken into context of which it was written. I also believe that homosexuality is a distortion of the ideal ‘heterosexual’ identity- but I believe that on the basis of procreation,” he said. “God loves me, I know this is who I am inside, I’ve prayed, received counseling and read books, but I’m still gay. If God wanted to take that away, he would.”
Zachary has not told many of his Christian friends about his sexuality, but not out of fear that they will reject him.
“I don’t think it’s anyone’s business; it’s my sexuality, who I love, nothing more,” he said. “It’s not the deciding factor in my life and I don’t like it when people treat me like there is nothing more to me than my sexuality. Some of my Christian friends have been wonderful; others have told me they love me but not my ‘sin’.”
Zachary still struggles with other Christians accepting his sexuality- his mother has still not accepted it- but he says that those who label his lifestyle a ‘sin’ are merely stating an opinion rather than a fact.
Jiwani has also accepted the fact that his lifestyle will always be looked upon by his Muslim community as a “sin”, but refuses to let that come between him and his faith.
“Only God knows who I truly am and loves me unconditionally,” he said. “And that’s all that matters; everyone else’s opinion is just that – opinions.”
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