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MyStory: Growing up bi – racial that is…
by Carolyn Woodall
Belonging to two cultures is usually a positive in a diverse society, but sometimes the children of bi-cultural unions can also find it challenging to find their niche in the world. Fiona Erskine is one such person. The child of a Scottish father and a Pakistani mother, Erskine has spent much of her young life trying to find common ground between the cultures.
“My mom wanted us to be as typically Canadian as we could get.” Erskine’s mother, originally of the Muslim faith, left Pakistan to immigrate to Canada. “My mother had a really hard life growing up. She made a promise to God that if he brought her out of the country to Canada then she would become a Catholic.”
With her long brown hair and slightly browned skin, for many, Erskine’s features are a clear indication of a South Asian background. But within her South Asian family, Erskine is somewhat of an anomaly.
“To me and my cousins growing up, skin colour was very important to defining ourselves. My cousins would always throw in the fact that I was half-white. I always felt they were saying ‘you don’t really measure up because you aren’t fully one of us.’ I was very self-conscious. I didn’t know what I was or where I belonged.” Still, for the most part Erskine enjoyed the time spent with her East Indian family.
“It was very cultural, very traditional. I could live in a different way for a day when I went over to my aunt’s. We’d eat traditional foods and my cousins would show off their clothes.”
Culture, family and tradition were very important to Erskine’s South Asian family while apparently being of little importance to her Scottish kin. Her father’s family seemed more distant, leaving a void in her cultural self-identity. “In Pakistani culture it’s important for family to be as close as possible, even extended family. It wasn’t as important to my dad’s side.” Erskine’s feelings of cultural identity were also complicated by both her own appearance and that of her siblings.
“My brother and sister look alike. They look like my dad’s side of the family. They’re both white with red hair.”
Erskine admits being the only “brown kid in the family” was difficult at times. “When I was growing up I always believed you should be what your skin colour is. I felt that my brother and sister would go off to the Scottish side of the family and live that lifestyle. And because I have the darker features I felt I should be living more as a Pakistani person.”
“Now I realize that I’m Canadian and that’s the lifestyle I should live. Culture is just a bonus now rather than a necessity. It doesn’t dominate my life as much as it used to.” But on reflection she concedes, “it’s better to have some culture in your life than none at all.”
Although her crisis of identity seemed very traumatic as a child growing up, as an adult Erskine is grateful for her dual identity. “It’s made me diverse, sort of a diplomat. I can get along with different groups. I feel that I have an extended knowledge of different cultures being of a bi-racial background.”
Erskine’s only regret is that she never learned to speak Urdu and this prevented her from communicating with her grandmother. “My grandmother only spoke Urdu, so I was never able to speak with her because my mom never taught me the language. I felt cheated out of that.”
From her own experiences she offers this advice to other bi-racial children. “Use that as an advantage in your life. Not everyone comes from two different cultures. Don’t take it for granted.”
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