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Looking in the Mirror
by Carolyn Woodall
How many times have you watched women look in the mirror and exclaim in disgust − they hate their hair, their clothes, their weight? No doubt too many times to count.
Disturbing isn’t it? And how much more disturbing is it when the woman in the mirror is you?
For Denise Azeez, a City of Toronto social services case worker and the current Miss Canada Plus Beauty Queen, looking in the mirror and hating what she saw started at puberty. In the summer before grade eight, Azeez blossomed, shooting up several inches in height, increasing to a C-cup from an A-cup and to a 12/14 dress size from a size eight.
“The girls made me feel self-conscious about my body and some of the boys made fun of me. That was my first experience of being made to feel overweight,” says Azeez.
Puberty is always a time of uncertainty for young women but for Azeez it felt traumatic. “I was always trying to fit in, wanting to feel popular and accepted. I struggled to be accepted as the only black kid and then I struggled to be accepted by the skinny girls.”
With the boys, a key area of interest for most girls hitting puberty, Azeez took a different approach. She became the ultimate tomboy. Left on the sidelines, particularly at school dances where she was never asked to dance, Azeez used sports to attract the boys’ attention. “I felt perhaps if they didn’t like me, then I could relate to them on their level. I could become the friend.”
Having come from a family of strong, beautiful plus size women, Azeez was unaware of the depths of cruelty children (and sometimes adults) would stoop to. “I was introduced to name calling. There were constant personal attacks about my weight,” she says.
Even her among her friends she endured a lot of teasing. “They would make jokes about the size of my kilt. In high school I was still the chubbiest among my friends. So I tried dressing like them, dieting, trying to look like them.”
Just as bad was accompanying her skinner friends into trendy clothing stores. “The salesperson wouldn’t even acknowledge me. It was as if she was saying, ‘there’s nothing here for you, nothing I can help you out with, so I won’t bother’.”
As she got older the situation both with her friends and in general got worse. And eventually she was forced to take a long hard look at her friends and her life.
“I had to make a choice whether I wanted my self-esteem or the joking. The little comments would make me sink a little more into my own skin. But it wasn’t me that was the problem.”
Fortunately for Azeez she came to this realization fairly early on; it shaped the way she viewed herself. And she had the loving support of her family to help her through the rough patches. “Nobody in my family ever made me feel it was wrong to be this size. My sister told me to ‘be grateful for what God gave you’.”
Denise Azeez’s change in attitude gave her the confidence to open the door when opportunity knocked. It was an opportunity that changed her life.
“A friend sent me an email about the Miss Canada Plus beauty pageant. I thought it might be a hoax because I’d never heard of a plus size pageant in Canada. In the US, yeah, but not Canada.”
The pageant wasn’t a hoax. It was the inspiration of Founder and President Glennora H. Joseph. Its mission is to ‘bring attention to the full-figured woman, recognized for her internal and external beauty, enveloped by a positive self-image, encourage wellness and empowerment through a sense of inclusion in both the fashion and professional industry.’
For Denise Azeez, the reigning beauty queen, it did just that. “The pageant was part of my journey to self acceptance. I knew I needed to accept myself before others would accept me.”
The pageant and the resulting publicity became a real confidence booster for Azeez. Her photograph was featured in an article about plus size fashion and it resulted in calls to the designer from girls wanting to look just like “the girl in the picture.” It produced an indescribable feeling for Azeez.
“For the longest time I wanted to look like the girl in the picture; the girls in the magazines. And now there was someone who wanted to look like me.”
There were other more intangible benefits as well. “I went from hating who I was − hating what I saw in the mirror to accepting what I saw in the mirror. Now I don’t hope to be something I’m not. If I want to make a change then I will, but I’m still acceptable to me.”
Her advice to others is, “Try to have a positive attitude. Most of all believe in yourself. Have the confidence to hold your head up high. If you can’t accept yourself then no one else will.”
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